assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.