My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I want what they have
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Posting this on behalf of a friend
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..