Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash