Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
when someone rings the doorbell
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.