Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Real House Wines.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.