Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Life in your 40鈥檚:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it鈥檚 Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Welcome to your 40s: that 鈥渢eenager鈥漮ver there is actually 27.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I cannot call her anything else now
Homeschooling isn鈥檛 going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I鈥檓 super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I admit I鈥檓 not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid鈥檚 favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.