Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm