Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.