Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
But is it really??
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh