Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor