What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
God has abandoned us.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!