Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
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My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread