{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan