Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question