We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You Might Also Like
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Worst perfume name ever.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
This makes total sense…
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
This kid is a star!
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”