I was just discussing this with my cat
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
why no one uses midhusbands
This is the best one I’ve seen
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times