[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)