All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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oh shit
🙅🏻
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now