Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”