Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You Might Also Like
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
lmao
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
why am I working on Labor Day
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂