I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.