I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Breaking news:
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people