Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
You Might Also Like
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Oh we’ve met.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.