I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day