Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
just pretend nothing happened
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Perfect
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”