How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!