I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”