When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I forgot how to panic. Help
incredible book dedication
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”