What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.