How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]