I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
this is uni
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh