“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Oh yeah that’s it
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Peace was never an option
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”