I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*