Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
This makes total sense…
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows