If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?