The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Netflix and you sit over there.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Every photo I’m tagged in