ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
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hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands