yes yes a thousand times yes!
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My work here is don’t.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously