Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Best spoiler warning ever