3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
they finally got him. they got macavity
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.