People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
White Castle for the Win
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”