Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
necessity is the mother of invention
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.