give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
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*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.