I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄