[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I really had high hopes for this year though
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Bed should get ready for ME