*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
#gardening
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
True?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Writing, She Murdered.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito