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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Thoughts
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*