Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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Me: Same
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.