I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”