I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…